The Relationship Code

#relationships #why relationship don’t work #what’s love got to do with it# why people have relationships

The last wedding I attended left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It was a lavish affair sure enough. No expense had been spared by the bride’s father or us. Everyone had been given a list of what the couple wanted, and even the name of the shop to get them from. The happy couple was toasted repeatedly and we were given a slice of cardboard cake with dried fruit for our trouble. The bride tottered around in her white macaroon dress, fist pumping her way around the small groups of people trying to force a good time. She soaked up the compliments. She was going to have her day come hell or high water. The groom was drunk by 9 p.m.

Nobody knew why they got married. They had problems. Her children. His irresponsibility. Her career. It was a rollercoaster. One day they were together. The next day they had broken up. The next thing we were invited to their wedding. Go figure! 4 months later…the relationship was over. When I say over… I mean… moved out… sold up and divorced over. I felt cheated, manipulated and I wonder from time to time who got custody of the picnic hamper I bought them to mark their happy occasion.

What annoyed me the most was the fact that they didn’t even try to style it out longer. Surely out of common decency they should have hung on a little bit longer to justify all the flipping presents they had received. I felt that the whole affair was a cynical move on their part.

I’m telling you this story because this is not the first wedding that I have been to where the couple have not lasted more than a few months. All around me relationships are crumbling and couples are in some state of disarray or decay. It’s not funny. When a relationship is not working it is hell on earth. There is nothing worse than being misunderstood in a relationship were the one person who should ‘get you’…doesn’t. There is nothing worse than being with a person and you don’t want to be with them. There is nothing worse than being with a person where you can’t get a sentence out without the conversation erupting into a full scale argument.

According to Hellen Chen, relationship expert, 85% of all relationships break up and 50% of all marriages end in divorce. These statistic are horrendous. So why do we do it. Why do we continue to stumble over ourselves like lemmings to get into serious relationships when the odds against us are so bad?

Actually those statistics are not surprising. We live in a disposable, throwaway fast food society and if something doesn’t work out them we trade it in for a new one. But in our fast paced world have we stopped to review our relationships? The roles and responsibilities of the genders have changed out of all proportion since our grandparents’ day. Yet are we using the same criteria as they did all those years ago for what makes a good relationship today. Do we enter into relationships with ideals, assumptions and expectations from the past that the reality of modern life cannot stand up to? Are people entering into modern day relationships with unconscious beliefs about who does what and what is allowed without adjusting or upgrading their beliefs to suit? Does the pressures of modern life put so much pressure on people that when it comes to the relationship there is nothing left?

But maybe it has nothing to do with this. Maybe when it comes to relationships and all that goes in them, we really don’t know what we are doing.

We would assume that at the cornerstone of every relationship is love. But if you ask must people “What is love” they are very hard pushed to tell you what it is. We know it’s supposed to feels good. We know it’s a good thing. But how much of our ideas about love comes from movies and fairy stories and a wish list. How many couples after saying that they ‘love’ actually sit down and define what they mean by ‘love’…in detail.

Most people cannot explain what love is let alone demonstrate it, but are happy to commit to a concept which neither of them can describe and therefore can have no chance of maintaining it. Who in their right mind would sign up for something like that? People deliberate more about buying ‘stuff’ than they do about the sanctity of their relationship. People gloss over the warning signs…they fail to read the small print and do their due diligence.

It was Tina Turner the singer who asked “what’s love got to do with it?” well when it comes to relationships…not very much. People get hitched for all sorts of reasons thinly disguised as love…

Here are some
a) Out of convenience. b) They want someone to take care of them. c) They don’t want to be left on the shelf. d) The biological clock is ticking. e) Culture and religion. f) Sex. g) They want to have a family h) It seems like a good move for the career. i) Its better than being alone. j) They can pool resources and buy a nice house with a nice garden. k) Running away from something l) On the rebound. m) To get a passport. n) Make things legal. o) Seemed like a good idea at the time p) Have a big party and a nice honeymoon q) something to do and relieve boredom r) They thought it would heal the relationship. s) Feel as if they are nobody unless they are in a relationship. T) Overall pressure from society to settle down. u) Just got swept along with it. v) went along with it because that’s what the other person wanted. w) Give the children a last name.

These may be worthwhile motives. But none of the above is love. Love can stand the test of time. But motives cannot. Motives leave people bitter… twisted… bickering… nagging… controlling… nasty resentful…spiteful and no fun at all.

I believe in love and a good relationship is awesome. But relationship are serious things and they should be taken seriously. There is only one reason to enter into a relationship and that is for love. Once in the relationship the only reason to stay is to… give and receive love. There is only one reason to end a relationship and that is when either or both parties do not love.

I’ve got way more to say on relationships

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